I want to paint an accurate picture here. Think of the female version of Dr. Steve Brule and you'll be pretty much right on the money. Don't know who Dr. Steve Brule is? Well, let's fix that...
Now take that manner of speaking, girl up the hair just a tad, and add in this little gem of a monologue:
Our faces were frozen in a polite smile; our heads nodding up and down.
Public speaking and delivering sales pitches may not be her forte. But heck...for all I know...she really can make all my dreams come true...
So today I was listening and humming along with some of Amy's songs when her version of "Big Yellow Taxi" came on. I was immediately whisked away from my day job and back into my childhood.
Mom and I drive around town running various errands in our Station Wagon. I'm probably dressed in something like brightly colored leggings, a festive fall sweater, hair in a side pony tail or double french braids. The soundtrack to this outing, is the recently released albumn "House of Love." About 3/4 of the way through "Big Yellow Taxi" we park at our intended destination, Michaels (possibly MJ Designs), but we still have some 'mmmm, bop bop bop bop'ing to do before the song is over. We sit in the car and sing the rest of the song at the top of our lungs. People can probably hear us in the parking lot, but we don't care. It's a beautiful, crisp fall day and we are together and singing. It doesn't get much better than that. We head into the store and gather our things. I think mom even let me pick out one of these silly animal figurines I was obsessively collecting at the time.
It's a really specific memory. Just a regular day. But lovely. A simple, yet perfect snapshot of how I think of my relationship with my mom. It makes me miss being a kid and really makes me excited to have my own kids one day. I hope I can be half the mom she is.
I may have teared up at work today remembering this. I'm so excited for her and my dad to come visit in a little less than a month. I miss them.
I would love to be able to make things like she does someday. I'll keep at it. I need to get some better tools and some patterns for good practice. It is tedious work, but so fun to see it coming together.
This guy kind of looks like he's on fire. I didn't notice that until just now. Ah well. Sometimes you just light on fire I guess.
English Translation: "Our website should look pretty."
"I have......recently noticed.....a......a passing interest........from you.....in the......general subject of......Victorian Fashion."
English Translation: "I thought you might like this magazine."
"Sadly, I am not having a period right now. And I am increasingly bummed out about this."
English Translation: "I don't really have a style anymore. I wish I could go shopping for something new."
Current top contenders:
1) Cute little camcorder to record important events for posterity. Things like adventures and the adorable way my dog blinks at me when she wants pizza. I don't even know if this is the best one, but it's pretty and shiny and red and would leave me a good $200 for chap stick and headbands.
2) Wii. Also Wii Fit. Does this even need an explanation? The sound of fun is right there in the name! Wheee!!! Wii!!!!
3) iPhone. I could do everything from my magical new phone! Knowing me, I could also promptly drop it, wash it, lose it, etc. And then I would have dropped/washed/lost my phone, music player, internet, planner, etc. I love the idea of getting one, but I don't know that I trust myself enough.
4)Lots of hoodies. How many hoodies does one girl need? Do I need this hoodie? NO!
5)I could go wild on etsy.com. That money would be gone in the blink of an eye.
What's a girl to do? Any votes on the matter? Additional suggestions? This is not a common problem for me and though I'm excited for new stuff, I'm a little stressed out by what that stuff should be! Help.
"I am overstimulated."
English Translation: "What a busy day!"
"Perhaps you have been fertilized."
English Translation: "The pollen count must be really high."
"Thank you for your contribution to our struggling economy."
English Translation: "I like your new shoes."
Sometimes people don't know how to interact with other people. It makes me laugh, but also makes me kind of sad for them.
Sudden hushed voices.
Running from here to there in a frenzy!
Dear colleagues: It may be time to calm down. We all feel your stress. I know I'm not the only one. Guess who else is having anxiety as a result of you?
Probably all of the office supplies. And the doors too. You are slamming them and they really don't like it.
I've always been a strong advocate of manners and such. Towards people it's a no-brainer (well, for some...). Animals? Of course, we can see how they are feeling when we treat them a certain way. But I think it should extend to the inanimate. Just because they can't emote does not mean that they don't have a soul. (I'm not saying they for sure DO have one, but it couldn't hurt to just be a little nicer to all things, always, forever.)
You wonder why the stapler doesn't work? Maybe it is just sick and tired of being punched in the head like that. It works perfectly when you just use it like a rational human being who needs to staple something. Why are you acting like a rabid monkey whose father was maliciously killed by a stapler? Unnecessary force.
"Um Glitterpony? We need you to replace this stamp. It just spontaneously broke!!! WHAT A POORLY MADE, STUPID STAMP!!!!"
I think it was made just fine. Also, it is not stupid. Just fed up. Lost the will to live. You sucked the life out of a defenseless little stamp. Way to go.
Maybe just try being a little kinder. A little gentler. I bet your office supplies will last longer. Perhaps your employees too...
Well hey there sad clown.....let's put the FUN back into FUNerals!
And while we're at it....I mean...it kind of sucks that the party of your life is one that you can't even really go to.
Unless you have unfinished business.
Or turn into a guardian angel of someone who attends.
Or if god or whoever lets you attend for old time's sake.
Or if you count that your body is technically there.....
But whatever...you should have a LIFE CELEBRATION instead! Pretty much your funeral, but you get to be alive at it. That's not creepy at all.
Wondering why I'm on this whole funeral/death soap box? If you know me personally you will already be familiar with the fact that I do not have any interest in death, dead people, dead animals, ancient Egyptians, etc. In fact....get it away. If you think it's a good idea to mention your own death or your final wishes to me, I will burst into tears and beg you to shut your face because you are never ever ever dying, DO YOU HEAR ME GOD???!!!!!!!!
So why, you ask? Well...I was inspired yesterday by life events. I tend to be a magnet for strange and often times hilarious encounters. Most of the time I am completely by myself for these things and have no way of truly proving they happened. But rest assured, they did. I do not seek these things out, but I certainly praise the heavens each time a new party story/blog post gem reveals itself to me.
Last night I was driving to my play rehearsal. It was dark due to the whole phenomenon known as 'night time', and I was driving a twisty, turny, woodsy road. This meant that many details of the landscape did not jump out and force me to take notice. Luckily enough, the occasional streetlamp illuminated my view of the massive black suburban ahead of me. More specifically, their back window which was proudly advertising the following:
"Yes! A Funeral CAN be stylish and fun!"
Naturally, I checked out their website as soon as I had the chance.
In all honesty, though I am generally intolerant of all things post-mortem, I actually don't think this is the worst idea ever. I don't have the stamina to contemplate my demise long enough to write out my own wishes (other than turning my remains into a freakin' DIAMOND thank you very much), but I also understand that if you're a fun person in life, that you should get to be remembered that way, rather than in a big old 'clad in black' festival of sad.
Also...my sense of humor makes me appreciate how wonderfully nontraditional this 'funeral wear' is (available for purchase on their website) :
UPDATE: I do know this about my own death: If anybody DARES to donate my body to one of those creepy ass Dead Human Displays at the museums, I will most certainly haunt your ass for eternity.
Our new bathroom's theme is the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. With a little dash of his mother Mary thrown in. Not like goofy, Buddy Christ, sort of stuff. Vintage, for realsies, someone was inspired to paint a portrait of the Prince of Peace, King of Kings and we are hanging it over our toilet. Very majestic.
There are two light switches in the bathroom. One controls a light above the shower. The other controls a light and a fan above the toilet. We were working with only the light above the shower while the other switch was in the off position.
As we were tenderly and prayerfully hanging the various tributes to God's only son, an out and out miracle occurred!
Just as we finished straightening the reproduction of the Last Supper mounted on a slice of tree from the Ozarks, the other light and fan all of a sudden came on. The switch was still down and I was nowhere near it!!!! Pembertron and I looked at each other in amazement.
I flip the switch down and the light and fan stay on.
I flip the switch up and the light and fan stay on.
I flip BOTH switches down and everything turns off.
2) I am in the middle of moving and I have no idea where anything is.
3) I typically spend the last 3-5 minutes of my showers obsessively rinsing my hair. I have real anxiety thinking WHAT IF remnants of soap coating my tresses all of a sudden wildly bubble up from the top of my head at the first sign of rain.
4) Most satisfying sound: The KA-CHUNK of the date stamper.
5) My suggestion for how to obtain world peace? Coexist with Muppets. Seriously. Think about it. Oh, hey... ya know that war you planned on starting? Hold on a second while we all watch Kermit dance with his funny frog legs. Who feels like fighting now? Not me!
6) I love eating spaghetti and watching endless episodes of Law and Order.
7) I have never and will never like Indian food or Sushi. So don't make me try it again. Thank you.
8) I don't camp. Or hike. Or climb mountains. Or endanger my life for a momentary rush of adrenaline.
9) I own a stapler that looks like a chicken.
10) I attend an annual Murder Mystery Weekend with my grandparents. And we wear fake mustaches.
11) I can sing all of the United States in alphabetical order.
12) I have written a draft for a children's book. Maybe someday I'll try to do something with it.
13) I have the "hitchhiker's thumb" just like my dad and my grandpa. No current plans to actually hitchhike.
14) I have the same feet as my mom, grandma, female cousins, and aunt. And boy are they cute!
15) I love how the pages of a spiral notebook feel when you've filled them with notes. All crinkly and like they have fulfilled their earthly purpose.
16) When I run (which is not often) it feels like all of my blood rushes into my gums and it makes my teeth hurt.
17) I recently diagnosed myself with a flesh eating disease and gave myself approximately 2 months to live. Turns out they were just stretch marks from my recent blossom into owning a more womanly figure. AWESOME.
18) My dad has an amazing knack for winning radio contests.
19) My mom has an amazing knack for memorizing exact shades of color.
20) My dog has an amazing knack for pouncing on my stomach in the wee hours of the morning.
21) I gave myself one of the motivation stickers I have at my desk today. I felt I deserved it even if nobody else did.
22) There are four tiny plastic mermaids sitting in a tiny trophy cup labeled "Valued Colleague Award". Sometimes I like to pretend they are relaxing in a luxurious hot tub.
23) I coined the swear "Fart Basket." I think it's going to sweep the nation.
24) I love love love wearing my nametag.
25) I share my general birthyear with the My Little Ponies AND the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Happy Birthday to us!
2) More often than not I have a package of watermelon flavored gum in my purse.
3) Much to the chagrin of my grandparents, I have 6 tattoos... and counting.
4) I like hugs from the right kinds of people, purple, glitter, smooshy pillows and crappy tv.
5) I want to be a librarian, a bookstore owner, a novelist, a mom, a Broadway star, a professional volunteer, and a mermaid when I grow up.
6) I have made my bed every morning of 2009!! (Oh...except those two days that I was sick and never actually left the bed. That's okay, right?)
7) I had a wart on my hand for a long time that just grew and grew and grew and grew until I thought TLC was going to offer me my own disgusting Sunday Night special called "The Girl with the Hideous Deformity Covering Her Once Delicate Hand." Anyway...it has since fizzled away along with my dreams of shock value stardom. Sigh...
8) I am prone to having my feelings hurt. But I have a tiny rhinocerous living under my computer monitor at work. He reminds me to have tough skin.
9) There is a cup full of Hershey Kisses that somebody put on my desk. I am NOT eating them. NOT EATING THEM.
10) I wish that people were more polite. I could use a few more pleases and thank yous.
11) I love trivia and the idea of being an expert on something. Someday I hope to be some kind of aficionado. Side note: Aficionado is a GREAT word. Say it out loud right now! It's fun! Try it!
12) Damn it. I ate a Hershey Kiss. I am weak.
13) I watched the news coverage last night of President Obama making appearances at all 10 Inaugural Balls. Poor guy must have been wiped out. We had fun giggling about how he seemed to be getting looser and sillier as the evening went on. Yay Obama, by the way!!!
14) Ya know how songs get stuck in your head sometimes? Do you ever just get a word stuck in your head? I've had a word stuck in my head for the last week or so and I have had no reason to actually use it. Maybe that's why it's stuck there, I don't know. But when my brain is too tired to think of the task at hand, or if I'm just starting to relax and doze off, all of a sudden my mind whispers "Chimichanga".....Anyone else? No? Just me? Hmmm...
15) I am totally thrilled when people comment on my blog. Sometimes I think it would be amazing to be a professional blogger. Maybe when I'm done being a mermaid I can try my hand at blogging for a living.
16) The following items are at my desk right now: 3 uncapped pens, a box of tiny candy canes, 2 different bottles of pain relievers (regular and extra strength), a postcard of Green Gables, and a box of '200 Motivation Stickers'.
by Shel Silverstein
I opened my eyes
And looked up at the rain,
And it dripped in my head
And flowed into my brain,
And all that I hear as I lie in my bed
Is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head.
I step very softly,
I walk very slow,
I can't do a handstand-- I might overflow,
So pardon the wild crazy thing I just said--
I'm just not the same since there's rain in my head.
This poem (along with the picture shown below) is a pretty accurate rendering of how an upper respiratory infection makes you feel. FYI.