Yes, I Live in the NorthWest. No, I Don't Want to Go Camping.

Please note that this is not a character flaw, but simply an activity I have never enjoyed. I wish I could be that cool girl who casually pulls her hair into a ponytail, glows and glistens rather than sweats and can build a stellar campfire with ease. However, my hair is short, I really hate being unshowered and last time I checked, only I can prevent forest fires.

Don't get me wrong...I'm pretty kickass in other ways. (You'll just have to trust me on that one.)

Poetically, I love nature. Animals are tremendous in theory. But much like I am not thrilled when a spider "goes camping" in my bedroom, I can't imagine that a bear enjoys my presence either. I mean...let's just take a moment to think about how I deal with Mr. Spidey. I don't want to be smooshed with a giant square of Charmin* and flushed down a toilet. Nobody likes that.

But here is my main issue with camping:

Pooping and peeing outside. Gross! Who does that? Crazy homeless people, that's who. Like I said before, I think animals are dandy...but I have evolved past using a tree as a shitter. What if another camper walks by later and then knows specifically what my poo looks like? What if I get a bug bite or a splinter in an unfortunate zone?! What if a lizard LOOKS AT ME?!?!

Indoor plumbing is my friend. My idea of roughing it is a public restroom without a working privacy fan and a lack of paper ass protectors. Good god! Are we living in the Old West?!

Maybe this all sounds high maintenance, but it is effing 2008. I demand a locking door, a working flusher, and some grapefruit scented antibacterial soap, damn it!

I love this area of the country. I love all the Birkenstocks and the granola. I feel at home here. I want to be friends with all of you. If you need to go camping one weekend, I am happy to take that weekend and read a book indoors. We'll meet up later for something we both enjoy. Just...please don't make me go potty outside.

*favored bath tissue brand of bears


yvanka said...

Me either. Let's have an Oreo Cakester and a pedicure and enjoy the many joys of advanced living.


Black Hockey Jesus said...

I feel the same way. I have a lot of hippie values, but we'll leave the hippie actions for the hippies.

Jennifer said...

I tried to go camping once...and I ended up at the nearest Holiday Inn!