I was at an event last night that gave me the opportunity to have a brilliant exchange with a woman named Ruthie.
This woman is the kind of 84 that looks 64 and that you just know was movie star glamorous at 24. A complete and total kick in the pants.
The evening started with the usual greetings, compliments on outfit choices, offers of adult beverages, but requests of plain water, etc.
I quickly realized my mistake. At around the third telling of the same story (granted, to different people...but still) and a tangent into the Great Depression ("You're too young to know about that") I remedied the situation with a nice glass of wine. By glass two I was discussing colostomy bags with the best of them.
Others came and went and the evening padded along. I sat staring at the variety of dips displayed across the table and politely refused, saying "Thank you, but honestly...I'm stuffed." Ruthie's eyes widened. "If ever you go to Australia, you should NEVER say that." Playing the doe-eyed innocent, I asked "Why? What does that mean?" At first she avoided the full answer by saying "Oh...it's not good."
Knowing full well what it meant, but being made of evil and heathenism, I told her to whisper the translation in my ear.
"Well...It starts with an F and it means fucked."