Translation: Awkward

So it turns out I'm having to learn how to decipher the language of Awkward Robots. Here are some examples of the 'Socially Retarded to English Dictionary' I'm working on.


"I am overstimulated."

English Translation: "What a busy day!"



"Perhaps you have been fertilized."

English Translation: "The pollen count must be really high."



"Thank you for your contribution to our struggling economy."

English Translation: "I like your new shoes."



Sometimes people don't know how to interact with other people. It makes me laugh, but also makes me kind of sad for them.

Kindness Works

Fluttering hands.

High pitched voices.
Sudden hushed voices.

Running from here to there in a frenzy!

Dear colleagues: It may be time to calm down. We all feel your stress. I know I'm not the only one. Guess who else is having anxiety as a result of you?

The stapler.

Probably all of the office supplies. And the doors too. You are slamming them and they really don't like it.

I've always been a strong advocate of manners and such. Towards people it's a no-brainer (well, for some...). Animals? Of course, we can see how they are feeling when we treat them a certain way. But I think it should extend to the inanimate. Just because they can't emote does not mean that they don't have a soul. (I'm not saying they for sure DO have one, but it couldn't hurt to just be a little nicer to all things, always, forever.)

You wonder why the stapler doesn't work? Maybe it is just sick and tired of being punched in the head like that. It works perfectly when you just use it like a rational human being who needs to staple something. Why are you acting like a rabid monkey whose father was maliciously killed by a stapler? Unnecessary force.

"Um Glitterpony? We need you to replace this stamp. It just spontaneously broke!!! WHAT A POORLY MADE, STUPID STAMP!!!!"

I think it was made just fine. Also, it is not stupid. Just fed up. Lost the will to live. You sucked the life out of a defenseless little stamp. Way to go.

Maybe just try being a little kinder. A little gentler. I bet your office supplies will last longer. Perhaps your employees too...

IN MEMORIAM:

Benevolent Visionary

Death Becomes Her

Have you ever been to a funeral or memorial service and just thought...."Man....This is a bummer"?

Well hey there sad clown.....let's put the FUN back into FUNerals!

And while we're at it....I mean...it kind of sucks that the party of your life is one that you can't even really go to.

Unless you have unfinished business.

Or turn into a guardian angel of someone who attends.

Or if god or whoever lets you attend for old time's sake.

Or if you count that your body is technically there.....

But whatever...you should have a LIFE CELEBRATION instead! Pretty much your funeral, but you get to be alive at it. That's not creepy at all.

Wondering why I'm on this whole funeral/death soap box? If you know me personally you will already be familiar with the fact that I do not have any interest in death, dead people, dead animals, ancient Egyptians, etc. In fact....get it away. If you think it's a good idea to mention your own death or your final wishes to me, I will burst into tears and beg you to shut your face because you are never ever ever dying, DO YOU HEAR ME GOD???!!!!!!!!

So why, you ask? Well...I was inspired yesterday by life events. I tend to be a magnet for strange and often times hilarious encounters. Most of the time I am completely by myself for these things and have no way of truly proving they happened. But rest assured, they did. I do not seek these things out, but I certainly praise the heavens each time a new party story/blog post gem reveals itself to me.

Last night I was driving to my play rehearsal. It was dark due to the whole phenomenon known as 'night time', and I was driving a twisty, turny, woodsy road. This meant that many details of the landscape did not jump out and force me to take notice. Luckily enough, the occasional streetlamp illuminated my view of the massive black suburban ahead of me. More specifically, their back window which was proudly advertising the following:

GRAND DEPARTURES
"Yes! A Funeral CAN be stylish and fun!"

I wildly grabbed at my cell phone and maneuvered the road while desperately searching for the camera feature. Alas, that damn 'night time' made my picture unrecognizable. Not even worth saving. *CLICK* Mental Picture. I spent the remainder of the drive attempting to memorize the moments. Vanity License Plate? Check!

"FUNRAL"

That's right. A FUN Funeral. Hmmm....

Naturally, I checked out their website as soon as I had the chance.

In all honesty, though I am generally intolerant of all things post-mortem, I actually don't think this is the worst idea ever. I don't have the stamina to contemplate my demise long enough to write out my own wishes (other than turning my remains into a freakin' DIAMOND thank you very much), but I also understand that if you're a fun person in life, that you should get to be remembered that way, rather than in a big old 'clad in black' festival of sad.

Also...my sense of humor makes me appreciate how wonderfully nontraditional this 'funeral wear' is (available for purchase on their website) :

So just take it from Judith Martin (who I am assuming commented on their services from the comforts of her afterlife)

“They carried out all of my wishes, I would offer their name to a neighbor in a heartbeat.”

Ya know...if she still has one....

Happy Weekend everyone and R.I.P.!

UPDATE: I do know this about my own death: If anybody DARES to donate my body to one of those creepy ass Dead Human Displays at the museums, I will most certainly haunt your ass for eternity.