Stronger and Younger

We're sitting on the carpeted stairs, holding hands, looking up to the light in the hallway. 

"I know you're sad. When you look back on 2009 you'll always be sad. Because the 2009 me is gone. But... I'm coming back."

"You are? How?"

"It will be confusing. Even to me. The 2009 me will always be gone, but the 2010 me will be here. So when you tell people about me, I'll be both here and gone."

That was the first dream a few months ago. 

Last night I got the second dream.

We're sitting in lawn chairs in her front yard holding hands under her crab apple tree.

"How are you?"

"I'm okay. I'm still pretty sick, but I'm getting better. I don't mind being sick. I'm stronger than when you saw me last in person."

"I'm glad for that."

"I'm getting better. And....I'm getting younger."

  I wake up feeling a strange energy. Like excitement and comfort at the same time. I think that every year sees some balance of good and bad. 

There are many wonderful things in store for this next year. 

Some that I have been planning and can see clearly....

and perhaps some not.

Ya' Turkey!

Oh my, people can be awkward. Recently I attended a bridal function that included various vendors. There we met one of the good lord's more interesting children. She had what I might call, "a touch of the crazy eyes."

I want to paint an accurate picture here. Think of the female version of Dr. Steve Brule and you'll be pretty much right on the money. Don't know who Dr. Steve Brule is? Well, let's fix that...

Now take that manner of speaking, girl up the hair just a tad, and add in this little gem of a monologue:

"This centerpiece here is a pumpkin. It has other elements in it too. Pumpkins are in the season, so it's unique. You can bring it all together for your tables. And what I'm trying to say with that is that....we can make all your dreams come true."

Our faces were frozen in a polite smile; our heads nodding up and down.

Public speaking and delivering sales pitches may not be her forte. But heck...for all I know...she really can make all my dreams come true...

Just some stuff...

"I have a head for business and a bod for sin. Is there anything wrong with that?"

• Can I live here?
• I pretty much adore how excited this kiddo is. I bet I'd have a similar look on my face.
• Gimme Gimme 
• Listen to this show daily at HIGH NOON, or you can download the podcast. Imaginary Radio Genius.
• Oh how I love this movie.
  

Translation: Awkward Part Deux

“We have become increasingly dependent upon the web as a first point of contact for critical, strategic relationships.”

English Translation: "Our website should look pretty."


"I have......recently noticed.....a......a passing interest........from you.....in the......general subject of......Victorian Fashion."

English Translation: "I thought you might like this magazine."


"Sadly, I am not having a period right now. And I am increasingly bummed out about this."

English Translation: "I don't really have a style anymore. I wish I could go shopping for something new."

Kindness Works

Fluttering hands.

High pitched voices.
Sudden hushed voices.

Running from here to there in a frenzy!

Dear colleagues: It may be time to calm down. We all feel your stress. I know I'm not the only one. Guess who else is having anxiety as a result of you?

The stapler.

Probably all of the office supplies. And the doors too. You are slamming them and they really don't like it.

I've always been a strong advocate of manners and such. Towards people it's a no-brainer (well, for some...). Animals? Of course, we can see how they are feeling when we treat them a certain way. But I think it should extend to the inanimate. Just because they can't emote does not mean that they don't have a soul. (I'm not saying they for sure DO have one, but it couldn't hurt to just be a little nicer to all things, always, forever.)

You wonder why the stapler doesn't work? Maybe it is just sick and tired of being punched in the head like that. It works perfectly when you just use it like a rational human being who needs to staple something. Why are you acting like a rabid monkey whose father was maliciously killed by a stapler? Unnecessary force.

"Um Glitterpony? We need you to replace this stamp. It just spontaneously broke!!! WHAT A POORLY MADE, STUPID STAMP!!!!"

I think it was made just fine. Also, it is not stupid. Just fed up. Lost the will to live. You sucked the life out of a defenseless little stamp. Way to go.

Maybe just try being a little kinder. A little gentler. I bet your office supplies will last longer. Perhaps your employees too...

IN MEMORIAM:

Death Becomes Her

Have you ever been to a funeral or memorial service and just thought...."Man....This is a bummer"?

Well hey there sad clown.....let's put the FUN back into FUNerals!

And while we're at it....I mean...it kind of sucks that the party of your life is one that you can't even really go to.

Unless you have unfinished business.

Or turn into a guardian angel of someone who attends.

Or if god or whoever lets you attend for old time's sake.

Or if you count that your body is technically there.....

But whatever...you should have a LIFE CELEBRATION instead! Pretty much your funeral, but you get to be alive at it. That's not creepy at all.

Wondering why I'm on this whole funeral/death soap box? If you know me personally you will already be familiar with the fact that I do not have any interest in death, dead people, dead animals, ancient Egyptians, etc. In fact....get it away. If you think it's a good idea to mention your own death or your final wishes to me, I will burst into tears and beg you to shut your face because you are never ever ever dying, DO YOU HEAR ME GOD???!!!!!!!!

So why, you ask? Well...I was inspired yesterday by life events. I tend to be a magnet for strange and often times hilarious encounters. Most of the time I am completely by myself for these things and have no way of truly proving they happened. But rest assured, they did. I do not seek these things out, but I certainly praise the heavens each time a new party story/blog post gem reveals itself to me.

Last night I was driving to my play rehearsal. It was dark due to the whole phenomenon known as 'night time', and I was driving a twisty, turny, woodsy road. This meant that many details of the landscape did not jump out and force me to take notice. Luckily enough, the occasional streetlamp illuminated my view of the massive black suburban ahead of me. More specifically, their back window which was proudly advertising the following:

GRAND DEPARTURES
"Yes! A Funeral CAN be stylish and fun!"

I wildly grabbed at my cell phone and maneuvered the road while desperately searching for the camera feature. Alas, that damn 'night time' made my picture unrecognizable. Not even worth saving. *CLICK* Mental Picture. I spent the remainder of the drive attempting to memorize the moments. Vanity License Plate? Check!

"FUNRAL"

That's right. A FUN Funeral. Hmmm....

Naturally, I checked out their website as soon as I had the chance.

In all honesty, though I am generally intolerant of all things post-mortem, I actually don't think this is the worst idea ever. I don't have the stamina to contemplate my demise long enough to write out my own wishes (other than turning my remains into a freakin' DIAMOND thank you very much), but I also understand that if you're a fun person in life, that you should get to be remembered that way, rather than in a big old 'clad in black' festival of sad.

Also...my sense of humor makes me appreciate how wonderfully nontraditional this 'funeral wear' is (available for purchase on their website) :

So just take it from Judith Martin (who I am assuming commented on their services from the comforts of her afterlife)

“They carried out all of my wishes, I would offer their name to a neighbor in a heartbeat.”

Ya know...if she still has one....

Happy Weekend everyone and R.I.P.!

UPDATE: I do know this about my own death: If anybody DARES to donate my body to one of those creepy ass Dead Human Displays at the museums, I will most certainly haunt your ass for eternity.

Brudduh

Ahem. Oh. Excuse me. My brother has the amazing knack of crying like a widdle poopy pants baby. And also farting a lot. He loves it. It's his favorite thing. Wah Wah Wah widdle baby.

And 25 More...

1) I recently learned a new way to wear a scarf. And I'm obsessed with it. (Thanks Yvanka!)

2) I am in the middle of moving and I have no idea where anything is.

3) I typically spend the last 3-5 minutes of my showers obsessively rinsing my hair. I have real anxiety thinking WHAT IF remnants of soap coating my tresses all of a sudden wildly bubble up from the top of my head at the first sign of rain.

4) Most satisfying sound: The KA-CHUNK of the date stamper.

5) My suggestion for how to obtain world peace? Coexist with Muppets. Seriously. Think about it. Oh, hey... ya know that war you planned on starting? Hold on a second while we all watch Kermit dance with his funny frog legs. Who feels like fighting now? Not me!

6) I love eating spaghetti and watching endless episodes of Law and Order.

7) I have never and will never like Indian food or Sushi. So don't make me try it again. Thank you.

8) I don't camp. Or hike. Or climb mountains. Or endanger my life for a momentary rush of adrenaline.

9) I own a stapler that looks like a chicken.

10) I attend an annual Murder Mystery Weekend with my grandparents. And we wear fake mustaches.

11) I can sing all of the United States in alphabetical order.

12) I have written a draft for a children's book. Maybe someday I'll try to do something with it.

13) I have the "hitchhiker's thumb" just like my dad and my grandpa. No current plans to actually hitchhike.

14) I have the same feet as my mom, grandma, female cousins, and aunt. And boy are they cute!

15) I love how the pages of a spiral notebook feel when you've filled them with notes. All crinkly and like they have fulfilled their earthly purpose.

16) When I run (which is not often) it feels like all of my blood rushes into my gums and it makes my teeth hurt.

17) I recently diagnosed myself with a flesh eating disease and gave myself approximately 2 months to live. Turns out they were just stretch marks from my recent blossom into owning a more womanly figure. AWESOME.

18) My dad has an amazing knack for winning radio contests.

19) My mom has an amazing knack for memorizing exact shades of color.

20) My dog has an amazing knack for pouncing on my stomach in the wee hours of the morning.

21) I gave myself one of the motivation stickers I have at my desk today. I felt I deserved it even if nobody else did.

22) There are four tiny plastic mermaids sitting in a tiny trophy cup labeled "Valued Colleague Award". Sometimes I like to pretend they are relaxing in a luxurious hot tub.

23) I coined the swear "Fart Basket." I think it's going to sweep the nation.

24) I love love love wearing my nametag.

25) I share my general birthyear with the My Little Ponies AND the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Happy Birthday to us!

16 Thingy Things

1) I am moving in 12 days. I've done a lot, but OH GOD I have a lot to do.

2) More often than not I have a package of watermelon flavored gum in my purse.

3) Much to the chagrin of my grandparents, I have 6 tattoos... and counting.

4) I like hugs from the right kinds of people, purple, glitter, smooshy pillows and crappy tv.

5) I want to be a librarian, a bookstore owner, a novelist, a mom, a Broadway star, a professional volunteer, and a mermaid when I grow up.

6) I have made my bed every morning of 2009!! (Oh...except those two days that I was sick and never actually left the bed. That's okay, right?)

7) I had a wart on my hand for a long time that just grew and grew and grew and grew until I thought TLC was going to offer me my own disgusting Sunday Night special called "The Girl with the Hideous Deformity Covering Her Once Delicate Hand." Anyway...it has since fizzled away along with my dreams of shock value stardom. Sigh...

8) I am prone to having my feelings hurt. But I have a tiny rhinocerous living under my computer monitor at work. He reminds me to have tough skin.

9) There is a cup full of Hershey Kisses that somebody put on my desk. I am NOT eating them. NOT EATING THEM.

10) I wish that people were more polite. I could use a few more pleases and thank yous.

11) I love trivia and the idea of being an expert on something. Someday I hope to be some kind of aficionado. Side note: Aficionado is a GREAT word. Say it out loud right now! It's fun! Try it!

12) Damn it. I ate a Hershey Kiss. I am weak.

13) I watched the news coverage last night of President Obama making appearances at all 10 Inaugural Balls. Poor guy must have been wiped out. We had fun giggling about how he seemed to be getting looser and sillier as the evening went on. Yay Obama, by the way!!!

14) Ya know how songs get stuck in your head sometimes? Do you ever just get a word stuck in your head? I've had a word stuck in my head for the last week or so and I have had no reason to actually use it. Maybe that's why it's stuck there, I don't know. But when my brain is too tired to think of the task at hand, or if I'm just starting to relax and doze off, all of a sudden my mind whispers "Chimichanga".....Anyone else? No? Just me? Hmmm...

15) I am totally thrilled when people comment on my blog. Sometimes I think it would be amazing to be a professional blogger. Maybe when I'm done being a mermaid I can try my hand at blogging for a living.

16) The following items are at my desk right now: 3 uncapped pens, a box of tiny candy canes, 2 different bottles of pain relievers (regular and extra strength), a postcard of Green Gables, and a box of '200 Motivation Stickers'.

Don't worry...I'm covering my cough.

Rain
by Shel Silverstein

I opened my eyes
And looked up at the rain,
And it dripped in my head
And flowed into my brain,
And all that I hear as I lie in my bed
Is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head.

I step very softly,
I walk very slow,
I can't do a handstand-- I might overflow,
So pardon the wild crazy thing I just said--
I'm just not the same since there's rain in my head.

_____________

This poem (along with the picture shown below) is a pretty accurate rendering of how an upper respiratory infection makes you feel. FYI.

Things That Rock!

Burt's Bees Replenishing Lip Balm
My lips, which moments ago were chapped and ouchy are now smooth and well....replenished!

JR Watkins Apothecary Lemon All-Purpose Cleaner
Not only does this stuff smell good, clean well, and have pleasing-to-the-eye packing, but it is also the following:

• Amonia Free
• Animal Ingredient Free
• Benzene Free
• Biodegradable
• Boron Free
• Butyl/Ethyl Free
• Clorine Free
• Diethelene Ethyl Free
• Dye Free
• Formeldahyde Free
• Petrochemical Free
• Isopropenal Free
• Kerosene Free
• Mineral Spirit Free
• Non Toxic
• Phosphate Free
• Phosphoric Acid Free
• Propelyne Glycol Free
• SLS Free
• Sulferic Acid Free

Post-it Highlighter Pen
Highlight! Flag! Highlight! Flag! Office supplies make my heart joyful.

Aveeno Calming Comfort Baby Lotion
For a lady with crazy sensitive skin, this stuff is pure magic in lotion form. I try to use Aveeno products for most things because I find that being consistent with the brands I use helpful in the care of my skin.

Hugg-A-Planet
Sometimes we just need to hug something. And sometimes it feels like the whole world needs a hug. Problem solved!!!

Lots of other things rock, but I just felt the need to sing the praises of those particular items this afternoon. More to come!

Great Gift Idea

I play Jots and Tittles all the time.
But it has nothing to do with Bible Trivia.
GASP!
*wink

The Greatest Story of All

Mary? Check!

Joseph? Check!

Baby Jesus? Check!

Random farm animals? Check!

Angels? Check!

3 Wise Men? Check!

Drunken hobo wearing a cape?CHECK!


Sigh....my favorite part of the story has always been when the drunken hobo in a cape gave the baby Jesus the most majestic birthday present of all...

Half of a week old breakfast sausage and a Coca Cola bottle filled with his pee.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

Sounds like somebody needs to sing a Christmas carol

I wish everyone was filled with joy and jolliness at this time of year. I know a lot of people are. Little kids are. I try to be. I was watching the news this morning and they were talking about how your happiness is directly effected by the happiness of those around you. Even more reason for me to work really hard at being upbeat and positive. It's hard when people are always trying to SUCK THE JOY out of life. Joysuckers. You know who you are.

Dos and Don'ts for the season

DO

When I am hanging up decorations, go with your first instinct!

Be excited about the snowflakes!
Go ahead and exclaim "Snowflakes! Pretty!"

DON'T

Continue with "That one doesn't match. It's completely out of place."

Yeah. Great. Thanks.
NO TWO SNOWFLAKES ARE ALIKE, DOUCHE BAG.

DO

Be welcoming and excited to have as many willing voices as possible
join in your festive holiday refrain!

DON'T

Glare at me and grumpily retort "Great. Now there are too many sopranos.

You shouldn't be allowed to join our choir unless you bring a man with you." Wow.

How very charitable and Christ-like of you, you cranky old church broad.

DO

Embrace the happy accident of your sign malfunctioning and
turn it into a lovely holiday tradition!

DON'T

Be a joysucking journalist and accuse those who are full of the spirit of goodwill and

magic of only seeking attention.

"The company did it on purpose. And is looking for publicity. Suddenly we felt cheap and used. A patsy for a holiday promotional stunt. Our belief in the magic of Christmas shattered."

Sure! Of course it probably helps their business, but it also fills me with glee when I exit the Interstate. I would like to think that that is their true motivation.*

*Okay...so their article got more positive and apparently the majesty of it all worked it's Grinch-transforming power over them and "warmed their cockles, our Christmas spirit rekindled, our faith in humanity restored."

I guess what I'm saying is that I would like our first, last, and constant state of mind to be as cheerful and happy as possible. I am by no means claiming to be a master at this. It is hard to get out of a funk once you're in it. Still....that should be no excuse.

This season I am going to vow to stay as shimmery and festive in my attitude as humanly possible. If some one's negativity starts to change my outlook I will try my best to remember that perhaps my positivity could change theirs. I would like to believe that we all have naturally good tendencies. We want to be happy and to make others happy. It can't possibly be that hard if we just stay conscience of the impact we have on others.

So all together now! Deep cleansing breath. Aaaaaand....GO!

It's All About Me

HowManyOfMe.com

There are 1 or fewer people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Things I'm Allergic To

• Penicillin
• Cantaloupe
• Fire Ants
• Wool
• Chicken
• Smoke
• Math
• Dashboard Confessional
  

Co-workers

A: We should do something together!
K: Okay! Like what?
A: Something good for us.... Active, ya know?
K: We could take an aerobics class!
A: Yeah.....or a dance-aerobics class?
K: Or we could be in a play!
A: I can't sing.
K: You don't have to sing.
A: Yeah but I can't act.
K: Oh.
A:....... But I was an extra in a real movie one time!
K: We should do that!! Let's be extras in movies!!!
A: Okay!!!

A: Wait.......Just so you know...I don't do porno.

Height of Luxury.

I only shit on the finest of crystals.

Meet My Hero. Meat, My Hero.

Okay, so I just stole this from Fail Blog, but I pretty much love it.

THIS IS ONLY A TEST

Just checking that this whole "pre-publishing" thing is working. :)