A Religious Experience

So last night I saw the sign. It opened up my eyes.

Our new bathroom's theme is the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. With a little dash of his mother Mary thrown in. Not like goofy, Buddy Christ, sort of stuff. Vintage, for realsies, someone was inspired to paint a portrait of the Prince of Peace, King of Kings and we are hanging it over our toilet. Very majestic.

There are two light switches in the bathroom. One controls a light above the shower. The other controls a light and a fan above the toilet. We were working with only the light above the shower while the other switch was in the off position.

As we were tenderly and prayerfully hanging the various tributes to God's only son, an out and out miracle occurred!

Just as we finished straightening the reproduction of the Last Supper mounted on a slice of tree from the Ozarks, the other light and fan all of a sudden came on. The switch was still down and I was nowhere near it!!!! Pembertron and I looked at each other in amazement.

"Did you just do that?"

"No, did you?"
"Nope."

"........"

"Try flipping the switch up."

I flip the switch up and the light and fan stay on.
I flip the switch down and the light and fan stay on.
I flip the switch up and the light and fan stay on.
I flip BOTH switches down and everything turns off.

".........."

"Try it again."

I flip each switch up one at a time and everything seems to have returned to normal.

"..........."

Nervous laughter
"Jesus."

The Greatest Story of All

Mary? Check!

Joseph? Check!

Baby Jesus? Check!

Random farm animals? Check!

Angels? Check!

3 Wise Men? Check!

Drunken hobo wearing a cape?CHECK!


Sigh....my favorite part of the story has always been when the drunken hobo in a cape gave the baby Jesus the most majestic birthday present of all...

Half of a week old breakfast sausage and a Coca Cola bottle filled with his pee.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

Rapturous

Do you ever worry about what will happen to all of your unsaved friends and family just after the Lord lifts the rest of us GOOD people up to heaven? Got an extra $40 layin' around? Aren't you just aching to send them one last email about the glory of Christianity, but are afraid you'll be too busy frolicking in the clouds and playing your harp on the good side of those pearly gates to even think about logging onto your Yahoo account? Thank goodness we're not the only ones worrying about such pressing matters. Here's your chance to let them all know that, "Yes, in fact you've been left behind."

I am particularly impressed with the fail-proof system they have in place for determining when the Rapture has in fact occured. Five dedicated Christian representatives from around the country (because who even cares about the rest of the world) have been selected to log in to the website every three days. If three of the five fail to do so at this predetermined frequency, the Rapture has indeed occurred. Ya know...or they were on vacation. Or the power went out. Or their computers broke.....so basically, most likely the Rapture has occurred.

This will prompt a message full of apocolyptic scripture (God's honest truth) to be electronically delivered from beyond to 62 of my most heathenistic friends and family members telling them to repent immediately.

Let's face it. It's probably too late for those sinners to convince God to save them from the fire and brimstone, but as a GOOD Christian, you want to make sure that you get one last chance to let them know that you were right and they were wrong. BIG TIME. Neener-Neener.

Religious Complexities

I work at a church. I am in the very regular habit of questioning EVERYTHING the moment I step through the doors of "God's house." It takes every ounce of my will power to not roll my eyes and let out big 'HARUMPH" noises during the service.

I'm an awful heathen.

I remember the paycheck and the appreciation of all of the devout old folks in the congregation and muster up just enough grace to behave appropriately.

And then the pastor says the most ridiculous crap!!! He's testing me! How long can she keep a straight face? How long before she completely loses her shit, takes her shirt off and screams profanities all the way out the sanctuary?!

Not long folks, not long.

But really...

"Reason is the devil's whore." He actually said these words on Sunday. How do I apply that to my life? What am I supposed to do with that? I mean, other than repeat it to everyone I have ever come into contact with, preach it from the mountaintops, and tattoo it on my ass?

No joke, I am ridiculously tempted. It's just too good.

I am not there for God, the Father, Son, or Holy Ghost. I am a little there for the money. And a lot there for the golden nuggets of absurd wisdom. Amen.